My Road To Recovery
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
I was vulnerable back then. I struggled in my head and articulating my words was hell. The feelings in me were capped shut in the bottle, constantly asking when was all of this going to end? I never had the answers but conquering my heartbreak with confidence was the key, to the person I am today.
It was never easy, it was a road with endless obstacles and I was always trying hard to ‘wing it’. The road to recovery was tough, but I made it. Phew.
The downfall started when I was at the age of 16, was still schooling, studying and trying to ace my exams since my GCE’s were right around the corner. Honestly, I don’t think I can ever forget this experience but it was definitely an eye-opener for me. Fret not, the case is long closed and I hope he’s doing all good in life.
In the early days of January 2015, I had a ‘CCA Fair’ that was hosted in my secondary school and since I was an active member in my CCA, I participated. What a beautiful day it was, sea blue skies and the sun was surrounding us. As I was graduating at the end of the year, I wanted the memories created to turn to photos, which I did! I knew that I wanted a photo with a particular person and well, it was awkward but I still keep the photo as memorabilia. Haha.
Soon after the day was done, I received a message from an unknown number saying:
“Press 1 to speak to…”
Although it was a short message with clarity, it felt as if I was in a maze. The user had no display picture, no bio, nothing! I decided to respond as I thought it was the person who I took a picture with earlier on today but to my surprise, it wasn’t. It was his best mate.
His best mate and I had an instant connection, we could communicate about everything and anything and just like that, I’d turn in late every single day for at least a month. The chemistry between us is something I never want to recall, but it was just… there.
As time passes, we got really close and decided to travel to school together or even wait for each other at the bus stop by the school. One morning as I was on route to school, he texted me saying that he has arrived and was going to wait at the usual spot. The worst mistake that I did was what haunts me during my recovery phase — I decided to say ‘I love you’ first. During that time, in my defence, we were really close and since we exchanged our confessions, what could possibly go wrong right?
Ladies, c’mon, it is not wrong to say that you love your significant other first but always always always make sure that you’re really sure! I thought that was a great move at that time, but I was clearly wrong. (LMAO)
“It’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry we can’t continue and that’s because I only loved you out of pity.”
I mean, at that time he returned the feelings and it felt like I was on cloud 9. Well, this didn’t last, boohoo, too bad for me. At this rate, my examinations were just two months away and I was hustling like mad for it. I mean, who doesn’t wanna do well, right?
At that moment, vividly I remember that I had just started on my practice paper and only one question was done till I received a text message from him saying that we need to talk.
“I need to talk to you, we need to talk.”
Oh no. I started questioning myself if I did something to have upset him or was he not happy with what we’ve had. I waited for his response and a call came through. What exactly happened, I am not going to share but picture this: my living room was a mess. With my practice papers found in every corner of my living room and my stationaries were a mess! My vision was blurred as the tears streamed down my face and my hair was out of place but my phone was still on my ears — listening to his apologies.
“It’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry we can’t continue and that’s because I only loved you out of pity.”
Those words that he said broke me, really, it did. I ran into my room, slammed the door and bawled my eyes out. As I stepped foot into the kitchen, I reached out for the kitchen scissors and without hesitation, I chopped my hair off. I don’t know why, but I decided to cut bangs. Mind you, they were horrible!
I arrived at school with my devastating ‘new’ look and really puffy eyes, it was noticeable to my friends that I did not look like my usual self. Us seniors had a college visit and I tried my very best to not break down every second as the first impression counts. Different classes went to different colleges and as my teacher announced that my class and his was a totally separate college, I let out a sigh of relief.
Damn it was tough! I literally prepared a few packets of tissues just in case I were to start crying a river again. My friends were there for me through my difficult days after separation and that was exactly the support I needed even though we were all busy prepping for our exams.
None of my family knew about what I’ve gone through and this was the time where I was determined to making them proud. It takes a lot of courage and strength to get through this mess but one way or another, I knew I had to do it.
He scarred me and it went on for five years. Yes, I got over him but the words haunted me because whenever a new relationship opportunity came by, I have the tendency to push them away, which was not what they deserve. I had troubles talking to boys and never would want to pursue any relationships, no matter how good and honourable he is. I swore to myself that he was going to be the last bitter experience and maybe not even pursue anything in the future.
Over the years, I was secluded in my own thoughts and was always negative towards the idea of dating but that has drastically changed since I got together with my boyfriend.
Well, what was the aim of my story? It’s something so personal that I can’t simply forget whatever that has happened but I am still very thankful that I went through it and it sets as a reminder for myself to always be careful. Before giving somebody your all, or even saying that you love them, always keep your radars turned on and be sure of what you are pursuing.
We’ve reached the end of my story, thank you for stopping by and reading this with me. We’re all our own superheroes and if something hits you rock bottom, there is always a way where you can climb to get your feet on the ground again. Healing takes time, I took about a year or two to completely stand on my own again and I have never been happier. I hope that success is in his way and may we all bloom into something that we create to be! 🌻
